Infos
This Much I Know
As a child I remember that my sister used to wear red and blue gingham dresses and I always had the desire, the compulsion, to dress up in them.
When I started secondary school I had to suppress these kind of feelings. I was pushed into doing things I didn't want to do: more boyish pursuits. As a child I was always playing with my sisters rather than my brothers. I was depressed because I wasn't doing the things I felt happiest doing.
When I left school at 16 I was able to do things I wanted to do like buying my own clothes, although I still had to wear them secretly in my bedroom.
When I got married I was truly happy to marry the girl I loved. Again, I put my feelings on hold or suppressed them because I didn't want to upset her. But she knew. I told her that I had felt this way for years because I wanted to be honest.
From 13 onwards I knew something was wrong with me. As a boy I was feeling pains that shouldn't be felt by a boy. When my sister started her periods I had the same kind of pain. I kept it to myself because I thought I was barmy. I thought I was sick in the head. I kept it all shut up. When I was in my teens I used to lie back in my bed and wonder if I was a girl: if I would wake up one morning with boobs.
I'm sure my Mother knew because she'd found stuff in my bedroom, stuff that I was keeping secret and, of course, she'd know what I was like when I was a kid and how I'd dress up in my sister's dresses.
There were times in my life when I knew I was in the wrong body. I felt torn apart. I'm sure it contributed to the nervous breakdown I had four years ago. Things were going wrong in my marriage, although I loved my family and still do. It's difficult for me to start a relationship because it would feel like committing treason to my family, even though I know we will never get back together again. I've always believed in miracles but I know this one won't happen.
The older I get the more determined I am to be the person I want to be - not how I am today. But I worry about dressing the way I want because I would hate to upset or offend anyone, especially people at the Centre that I like. I've confided in a counsellor and also in people at the Centre and they all tell me the same thing: if others are offended it is their problem, not mine. But it's still hard to go ahead with it. I'm in a whirlwind at the moment, not sure what to do.
But one thing's for certain, the Centre has opened my eyes and opened my heart.
Clare Project Logo
The transgender symbol laid down forming a forever turning circle of life (female "red" - male "blue" - transgender "purple" - a combination of both "red" and "blue") upon changing waves of smooth and rough tides that always lap upon the shores to the right. Sunsets and sunrises - a day's life ending and another one's beginning. Freedom of birds going towards sunsets and back from sunrises once more always together, guiding - helping - supporting - loving freedom and life - togetherness, that is what we are for - the Clare Project, to help transgendered people through their individual journeys of gender change. Transgenderism is not something that you have to face alone - we are here to help you go through the sunset and sunrise of your new life.
